Step four is tricky.

So tonight I begin to go forth once more with the 12 steps after what seems like a very long absence. To be honest, I have not been spending a lot of time on recovery for the past few months. I haven't relapsed, truth be told, but I haven't been focusing on the sexual addiction particularly much. Part of that is that my personal development has been moving in a lot of other areas - recently I have found a psychologist who is tackling my neuroses from another angle, one that has been challenging and difficult.

But the last few days I've found myself mulling over my life again. Last week I injured my leg as I got off a tram platform, and since then have been unable to work at my full strength and speed, which has meant that I have been clear of distractions for the first time in a while. To be honest, it's been terribly painful, and one thing that has come out of it is that I need to write down about myself. It occured to me that I'd pretty much dovetailed into the fourth step - performing a searching and fearless moral inventory, so tonight I decided to start, and actually write things down.

I've read from the blogs of a lot of other addicts how harrowing this step is, and it certainly is. Although I think I have approached this step like I used to approach my essays - I'd spent all the assignment time mulling it over in my head, and then the essay would just, well, write itself. It's not been that easy, truth be told, but writing it all down almost seems an anti-climax, and it feels like I've already done all the heavy lifting.

And don't get me wrong - thinking about all this stuff is harrowing. Noone really likes to admit when they've done wrong, I certainly don't! To realise that I am a flawed human being is terrifying. But the writing it all down? Not so much. I will be fair - this is not the last night I will be working on this, and I am sure that more will shake out of the tree, and that more will present itself. But it's not like I haven't been taking inventory of myself in the past few months, and certainly since I've hurt my leg. I've just... not needed it.

But just because I've already thought through all these things doesn't mean I don't need to write it down still. I think it's important to have the list, and once I've written down enough that it starts to feel complete, it'll be important for the next steps. And in writing it all down, I get to see where I've been thinking and where I haven't - for one thing, the Good side of the ledger is woefully bare. Not a lot of thinking done there. Also, the question of resentments - I'm not sure I've honestly gone through and thought about the who, what and where of that. Instead of constantly thinking about the same things over and over, I get to shape where my thinking goes now, and shine the torch down a few avenues I clearly hadn't walked around in yet.

It feels like progress, oddly. And I think I feel good about that.